I am not a trainwreck.
I really don’t like that I haven’t had time to write lately. Because when I don’t write, I lose my ability to understand myself and the way I feel about important people and things in my life. It’s like being in a band that never practices: sounds get stale, the words stop making sense, and people stop paying attention. It doesn’t matter much to me who actually reads this stuff, but it matters to me that the sound is getting stale and the words no longer make sense. Self-resonance is growing dissonant and I’ve yet to find a way to quiet the fuzz.
The other thing that hurts me is knowing that my desire to take advantage of this beautiful medium seems to be dwindling. When I started writing it was expressive, and I tried to tackle the big topics. In fact, when people asked me what I wrote about I’d have no problem telling them it fell somewhere in the realm of contemporary philosophy. What’s life all about for a young and moderately successful guy? Read on, I can explain.
Now, I’m just writing for the sake of it. Even this post here is devoid of a central purpose. Sure, you could try to understand what I’m going through by reading it, but the biggest problem with that is the final analysis pointing to nothing. Nothing is really happening to me on the inside. I’m constantly living, like the rest of us; but it’s become harder to think of things I’m doing that make me feel truly alive.
I don’t mean to complain. I really don’t. I’m not doing this to garner sympathy, or make you believe that life is so hard or that I’m not getting what I need. I’m just confused as to why my mind no longer wanders beyond the next day’s objectives. I shouldn’t focus so much on what needs to be done; I should spend more time wondering about what I want to do, like I used to.
This is a rant, I guess. I’ve run out of time for visceral experiences (like writing) that make me feel ambitious and active and alive. Now is the time to get them back. Somehow.
Maybe I should pick up my guitar again. Or maybe I should get back to treating the people I care about the way they deserve. Maybe I just need to start writing how I used to - with purpose.
3 years ago