Hey Jon Gosselin. What’s up dude? Sorry to hear about your divorce, but now at least all your friends can call Kate a bitch in front of you like they’ve been thinking all these years. And dude, you don’t have to take care of those kids at all times anymore either, how sweet is that! Also, Jon, I heard you’re hooking up with some designer’s daughter, some chick who is apparently CRAZY into coke and sex. Living the dream, right buddy? Up top!
Okay, Jon, I’m really stoked that your life is all the sudden way uncomplicated and full of halfway decent 22-year-old ass. But dude, I—I just gotta say it. I’m sorry. But what the motherfucking fuck do you think you’re doing wearing Ed Hardy everywhere you go? You’re a celebrity, man. Celebrities don’t wear pants with dragons on the back of them. What do you mean, “they don’t?” You stupid fuck. Of course they don’t. Because you know why? Ed Hardy by Christian Audiger is for people from the south, people from New Jersey, and dudes from Italy who wear speedos while riding Vespas with gold chains around their necks.
I’m only telling you this because I’m your friend. Also, Hailey is pretty beat. I know she’s young and crazy and just wants to do it all the time; but she’s into you for your money, and your money is worth way more than that. Just sayin’ what’s up. You deserve to hear it.
2 years ago